NavigatingLifeWithLMS

The realization has hit me that I am not the person I was before all this medical mystery and special needs business came about, and it’s not just my appearance. More my energy, attitude, give a damn, and whatnot has changed, and not for the better. As much as I want to, I just don’t have the energy or drive to do EVERYTHING I used to.

There are so many things on a daily basis I feel sorry about. All my sorry slots are full. There are no more vacancies for sorries in this little heart of mine.

Brain fog or just plain flaky?

Let’s talk memory for a sec. I work with the older population as a caregiver. I see A LOT of memory issues. Honestly, some days I feel like I fit right in! Completing tasks shortly after thinking of them is a must, or there is a chance it may not get done.

I try extremely hard not to be ‘flaky,’ and I honestly will forget things until it’s too late, or close to it. When I say I will do something, at that moment, I have every intention of following through with it. However, I don’t always make it that far. Most often I remember, just after the moment of needing to remember has passed.

Details, oh my goodness, DETAILS! As hard as I try, I can’t remember details to things like I used to unless it happens to be something that strikes me as severely out of the norm. Even with odd occurrences, it’s not a guarantee I will remember all of it. The lack of sleep could be to blame.

At times I have this blankness that comes over me. I will be in the process of, for example writing something down, and I will not be able to finish for a minute. I freeze and go blank. Maybe I need more sleep, a vacation, or both. So no, I can’t be sorry.

Do I dare mention social relationships?

I have a feeling that most people think I have forgotten about them. As if I had said “screw you, I’m done,” and just walked away from any human interaction with them. That is NOT it at all!

I have never been great at keeping in contact, and I am a million times worse now. I have three kids, work full-time, have a special kid, doctors appointments for days, my oldest is acting out, and we are trying to potty a toddler and special needs kid. If you think I don’t have time for you, why don’t you come over to help me out? Not that I would let that happen, but we could chat while you follow me around my house as I start a million cleaning projects at one time.

My days off are not all fun and games. That is when I get most of the organization of the house done, extra laundry, and the more in-depth cleaning. Not really my idea of a good time, but what do you expect from a working mom.

I would love to ‘hang out’ or ‘visit’ more, but when I am doing that, who is going to clean and organize my house or do my laundry? If you are wondering “why does is it such a big deal to clean an organize?” Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe you could ask my anxiety?

In short, I can’t manage to find time for myself or seem to feel like I spend enough time with my kids. I cannot constantly be sorry to everyone that feels offended that I’m not talking to them on the phone constantly, or calling to give them updates on life…that is what I use social media for. It’s not that I don’t care, just that I do not have the oodles of spare time this ‘being human’ thing takes. So no, I can’t be sorry.

Work, where do I begin?

I work as a caregiver at an assisted living facility, which can be pretty fast-paced. It is helpful to be alert and ready for anything while paying attention to detail. I have been seriously, and unintentionally, slacking on the details. It has nothing to do with being lazy. It has everything to do with being exhausted, burnt out, and my mind wandering to issues outside of work.

We have a cram-packed schedule most days, and when I am not on top of my game, it can get crazy very quickly. The craziness, exhaustion, and everything else can have a negative impact on the day.

Remembering the new resident’s routines and some of the random smaller tasks has not been my best quality lately. I am nothing like I was just a couple of years back. Who is this new me, and how do I get the old me back?

The facility I work at has a ridiculous amount of open shifts from time to time. Open shifts I rarely cover. I can barely manage to cover MY shifts at times for numerous reason. Most importantly, I do not pick up extra shifts because my family needs me more.

Not that I should have to explain why my family comes first, but I will, just to make it perfectly clear. My family is separated a lot, and randomly because of health needs of our daughter. When we get a chance to do anything together, as a family, we jump on it. Our oldest son is having troubles coping with the time apart and attention his sister’s medical issues take. It is even more important now that we spend time together. My family will always come before any job!

Surgeries, hospitalizations, and things of the sort are what my paid time off is used for. Having extra days off that we get to spend as a family just doesn’t happen. Taking extra days off for fun adventures is not realistic most of the time. So no, I can no longer be sorry.

Putting all the pieces together

People may view me as forgetful, flakey, a crappy friend, you name it, but I cannot waste my time and energy beating myself up and feeling badly for it. There is no need to compare me to anyone else you know. I guarantee you will never run into anyone else in my exact situation again. Judge me if you want, because it won’t change a damn thing. Sorry, I can’t be sorry.

No one will see me ‘going the extra mile’ to cover shifts, nor am I the ‘model employee’ anymore. I am a mom, a special needs mom, something that takes a lot more out of me than even I realize. Sorry, I can’t be sorry.

I already feel horrible for having to work in the first place. Doctors appointments, chemo treatments, therapy appointments, watching my kids grow, and so many more things I have to miss. I am already kicking my self in the ass for feeling like a failure for not having the ability to be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE. Just me, that’s all I can be. Sorry, I can’t be sorry.

I will not apologize for my crazy busy life, my special needs daughter, or anything else. I am not sorry to any of YOU, I am sorry to ME, to my daughter, and my children that I cannot be who I think I should be. Also, I am sorry that I put myself through all this mental torture of giving a crap what the world thinks. Sorry, I can no longer be sorry.

No more apologies, not even to myself. From here on out I will strive for peace, love, and happiness! Wish me luck, and patience….I’m gonna need ’em both!

I love to love them!

DON’T FORGET!

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